More than a week after charity stream and everything is still a little bit all over the place, but it’s a lot better and I’m more calm now, now I would say my grinding addiction is interrupting natural flow of things and that’s why I forgot to write a blog post on Thursday.
As I mentioned in previous post I have my own special perspective on special streams and today I want to talk about it, gonna be a post of transparency…
Let’s start with some definitions: special streams for me are any streams that are way different compared to my regular average stream, so charity streams, cooking streams, any charity shows we did so far etc.
So what about these special streams? Main thing is that I’m a perfectionist and that frequently fucks me with many things, because I want to make everything really good, but then I always think that it’s not good enough, even when it’s somewhat good, so sometimes it causes me to not do anything or to be very nervous about stuff I’m doing, because I think it’s not good. Then again because of that if something went wrong, like my mic dying during cooking stream for example, it triggers me even more than usual, because I want stuff to be perfect, but it fails. Another issue is me being a pretty lazy person, so closer it gets to the special stream and more things I managed to procrastinate until then – more stressed I’m getting, because again perfectionism kicks in, but I’m lazy, so things are waiting till pretty late causing more stress. And another issue is that I’m in general very chill and relaxed person as you know, I really like being in my comfortable environment and doing things I’m used to do the way I’m used to do them, so doing something that is out of my comfy routine is always stressful.
So basically what I’m good at doing? What doesn’t require me to prepare anything much? What is comfy for me and I can do all the time? Playing games on average skill level and talking, interacting with chat or just trying to form and deliver some thought on some particular matter. So the end goal for my channel and something I started accepting about myself is that I’m not going to become high energy or high skill streamer, not gonna become next xQc or something and I honestly don’t really mind that, as long as I get to do things I’m comfortable with. I kinda always was blaming myself that I’m getting too used to my comfort zone and getting too stressed when I’m out of it, but I think at my age I just started realizing, that maybe it’s just how I am and it’s better to try to make the best out of it instead of trying to change myself
That’s why I like late night talk shows at Dreamhack, because I get to do what I like doing – talking, as long as I can focus on doing that and there won’t be any “clowny” things getting implemented that would make me uncomfortable I’d always be down to participate and it’s also organized by people I know so I would be able to discuss it and find a solution, I actually have some ideas of my own to maybe make happen there. Cooking streams are fine for me too and I’m interested in doing them, but when my mic died last time I was doing it, it just triggered my perfectionism induced anxiety and I just can’t get myself to do it, but I will, planned to do it on charity stream (bought everything, did one test cooking run, cleaned kitchen) but we didn’t unlock the milestone, so next time, but it will happen. Charity streams will get modified now more towards my comfortable format, like one this year, but maybe multiple shorter ones instead of long one, maybe won’t raise insane numbers, but it will be my kind of stream, comfortable and not stressful.
Will there be some other formats of streams and stuff like this? Yeah, can’t cover everything now, especially things that I haven’t encountered yet, obviously, but now you know at least general direction of my mindset. Something involves some skillful competitive gaming, like races bois are doing? That’s a skip for me. Something involves a lot of voice interacting, talking with many people, especially those I don’t know, like Among Us for example? Not happening. Charity streams with some clowny incentives that I find too much for me? Nope, it might be different depending on situation, like if we would need to do something dumb as a group together, I could consider something like this, otherwise I rather pass. In the same time hanging out with our bois in any form? Sure, I’m down. Playing some co-op duo or more with any of our group? Gladly. Doing some talk show/podcast/interviewing someone? Interesting. But still main thing always will be me just doing some chill streams, talking with chat and enjoying some good games, when I can just talk with chat non-stop all stream is something that makes me super happy and only growth vector of my channel that is important to me is increasing amount of chatters I can interact with.
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